Litany Against Fear

"Without change something inside us sleeps."*

He asks on the phone, "how are you doing?" which makes me pause, because unlike with my mom or most of my friends, I actually want to tell the truth. Sandy's more to me than an old boss, he's really the dad I always wanted. Am I ok? Are we ok? He understands the daily cups of coffee, the afternoons on the porch, the quiet unchanging moments of the day to day which make things seem alright. He also understands the restlessness, the need to be looking over the edge at something, the days spent traveling alone, waiting in train stations where we recognize none of the signs and none of the people. We both love books, but there aren't books for this sort of disconnect. Books that explain the highs and lows - the weekend punk rock shows and the tuesday morning trips to the post office, so that they become one narrative, one feeling? I tell him I'm enjoying myself, but am basically really, really lonely. He tells me the same thing. We talk about long distant romances and our fears of slowly becoming too solitary for redemption. It's as if we've backed ourselves into a corner, and it'd be nice of someone lured us out, but until then we're content to sit and face the wall.

Punks don't like change in general. All in all, an entirely reactionary group of people. How many of us are conservative in our routines and interests? I get cranky in the morning when there's a boy in my bed and I can't drink my iced coffee immediately, what would being in an actual relationship be like? I still wake up hungry for experiences though, and it's depressing to see the young adults who've apparently had their fill. New bands and people become threats if you let them. Sometimes the change gets too much, you turn your back on the world for a little bit but since it keeps going on without you, when you look again everything's different and you're even more alone and stubborn as before. There's opposite problems too, people so hungry for something new they aren't discerning and their tastes aren't their tastes at all, just another passing fad. The way you experience something ought to count for something too. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration, but what about stagnation?

I spent all day doing exactly what I wanted. Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reading comic books, drinking two iced coffees at the two coffee shops I go to, eating when I wanted and what I wanted (jackfruit sandwich, yucca fries, goat cheese) and then sitting on the sofa for two hours thinking about Dune, change, and routines. No one stopped me. No one challenged me. I didn't even have to share my personal space with anyone. This can't be healthy. There's nothing new coming in, just a steady consuming. That's when it's time to leave the house. Pick out a book from the different part of the library (mystery?). Meet someone somewhere new, or even try to meet someone new. I know I can't live in a little bubble that I control all the time, I have to let something in, even if it's just a little new idea, or a new band. If you wake up and everything goes your way and everything's the same you didn't wake up at all. I told Mike on the phone today that the weather was so perfect I thought maybe I was dead, and he said, "well maybe you're in purgatory," and it hit a little too close to home. The sleeper must awaken.

*Dune