I can tell what kind of day I'm going to have by what kind of country song I wake up with in my head. The other morning I woke up signing a song I hated, something really banal, one of those songs that people mean when they say "modern country music." I can't believe I even live that sort of life anyway, that I have to hear anyone use that phrase, but it's worse than that of course because not only do I know what they mean but I know the songs too. That morning, I woke up with that song and I rode my bike to work and someone almost ran me over and I know that the people I'm giving my shit eating grin to over the counter are the same ones that are trying to kill me on my way there.
This morning though I woke up with a better one. Sort of tender, or at least trying to be romantic. I mean, nothing next to George Jones of course but it could be a lot worse, especially in 2010. So I woke up with this song and as I rode my bike across University Avenue someone yelled out "I love you Keri!" and I don't know who it was but it helped me a lot, later, with the shit eating grin.
Anyway, I'm kind of "back on track" and finally, after a good day of work I sat down to write about it. I've been drinking way, way less. This all started a few weeks ago.
My mom read my blog, just as I hinted might happen in earlier posts, and here's the rub, I actually give a shit what my mom thinks of me. She has always been horrified by my drinking habits, and trying to explain to my mom what poppers are was sort of a low point for me. We had a very serious conversation, where we talked about my life and where it was going, and I cried a lot, and tried to tell her I was a good person, and I think I half-way believe that, but she fully believes that and it amazes me. Then, I took a trip to Mexico with my straight-edge-ex-boyfriend-from-high school and a really cool thing happened, I didn't get drunk for ten days.
I had so much to do in Mexico, with waking up early and hiking ruins and swimming and getting a truly stunning tan, that I didn't really have time to get drunk. I think I just needed to know I could do it. Since I've been back I've been reading a lot more, drinking less, and finally writing and getting my applications together for graduate school. So I don't have a lot to write about it, because I'm not doing anything that fucked up or embarrassing. Actually, the other day I told someone to "suck it" in a pool hall but that's about it. Summer is starting, there's lots of anticipation all around, and maybe that's all I needed. Warm weather and something to look forward to.
* "literature + illness = illness" speech by Roberto Bolano
